"We're not gonna protest!"

NEW YORK — “It’s just not right.  We’ve been standing with everyone since the beginning, and they’re just throwing us to the curb like trash on to the Jersey Turnpike,” Wilson Prescot, a doctor from Wayne, NJ, said.

Dr. Prescot’s sentiments are shared by a number of protesters effectively evicted from the Zucotti Park Occupy Wall Street protests, after self-appointed movement leadership decided that they would be more effective representing “The 95%” rather than “The 99%”.  The controversial move means that those making more than $235,000 per year, as opposed to $480,000 under the 99% stance, have been deemed part of the “oppressor” class, and are not welcome at the protests.

Kevin Harrison is a sneaker salesman in Brooklyn Heights.  He said that the protest’s popularity with hipsters had rendered his store and the surrounding area a ghost town.  He attends the protest to sell shoes and because there is nothing better going on in Brooklyn.  He supported the move to exclude the 96th through 99th percents.

“This movement is about protesting the injustices perpetuated by a ruling class of oligarchs,” Mr. Harrison said.  “It was kind of ridiculous that the self-identified group included the President, who’s as much a part of the problem as anybody.”

(The current annual Presidential salary is $400,000).

“I just hope these people get what they want soon.  I can’t cart enough Converse into Lower Manhattan everyday to keep my business afloat,” Mr. Harrison said.

“What is it they want, anyway?” he added.

Dr. Prescot, no longer welcome at Zucotti Park, plans to return to his medical practice in New Jersey, where he will continue to pay exorbitant liability insurance premiums resulting from the fact that laws are made, predominantly, by lawyers, who have no interest in pursuing any serious tort reform.

“I just want to warn everybody who’s in the ninety-first through ninety-fifth percents that it could be them next,” Dr. Prescot said.  “They did it to me.  Maybe they’ll decide the ‘ninety percent’ works better.  Then they could say stuff about ‘nine out of ten’ people.  You know, like how dentists recommend toothbrushes.”

DISCLAIMER – As always, comment away, but keep in mind that this is a comedy site, and the above is a piece of satire.  Any comments attempting to state any serious political position or getting pissy with me for poking fun at the protesters will be deleted and/or ridiculed.  If you want to ramble on about social justice and feel smarter and more evolved than everybody else, I’m sure moveon.org’s comment sections or message boards or whatever (I’ve never been to their site) will welcome you.