CLEVELAND, OHIO — The 2012 Presidential Race took yet another interesting turn today. Following Monday’s Republican primary debate and Tuesday night’s ‘State of the Union’ address, an actual empty suit has thrown his hat (a matching fedora) into the ring, and will immediately begin aggressive campaigning.
Tommy Hugo said his final moment of inspiration came during President Obama’s speech last night.
“I watched the Republican debates, and I read the text of the President’s State of the Union – I have a distaste for all of the sitting / standing after every point he makes. I saw those things and I thought, these guys are all just like me. A guy like me could be President!” Mr. Hugo said.
Mr. Hugo gave an impassioned speech in front of supporters at the Cleveland JC Penny he calls home, detailing his campaign platforms.
“My positions? I’m pro-life. And pro-choice. Life is pretty awesome, but, you know, so is having choices. I don’t think you should have to pick between the two.
“I believe that some people should start paying their fair share of taxes. No, of course I don’t mean any of you guys watching me now or reading this in the paper or blogs and what-not. Don’t be silly.
“It’s time to beef up the border. I keep hearing that ‘just building a fence’ isn’t feasible. I say, ‘Bull-droppings!’ With my extensive experience in manufacturing, we can not only build a fence, but build a bigger fence behind that fence.
“It’s time to make the Wall Street fat cats play by the same rules as the Main Street… umm… skinnier cats! I propose that we open a Chinese food restaurant on Wall Street. That’ll stick it to those fat cats.
“Green Energy? That sounds racist. I propose funding research of Colorblind Energy.
“We need to support our soldiers at home and abroad. I heard they had a problem with vests. I am uniquely qualified to fix that problem, and ensure that our young men and women defending freedom around the world are both adequately and stylishly equipped.
“Freedom is the cornerstone of our democracy. I support freedom, and will work to ensure that people are free to do whatever they want, except the stuff you don’t want them to do. We can put the kibosh on some of that noise. God, Yaweh, Allah, Budda, Odin, and Darwin Bless America!
“And any other god I forgot, too.”
Mr. Hugo will be seeking the nomination of the little known ‘Sunshine and Puppies Party’, noting that only heartless bastards could vote against sunshine, or puppies.
Mr. Hugo’s opponents, citing his slightly draped appearance, have asked for the immediate release of his label as proof that he is not Italian, and, is in fact, American. They have also unearthed decade-old claims that he was once caught in a compromising position in the ‘Intimates’ section of his JC Penny. His campaign released a statement decrying these claims as false and slanderous.
DHC News asked Mr. Hugo about his thoughts on the other candidates.
“I really like Governor Romney and President Obama. I like their styles. I see a lot of myself in Speaker Gingrich, too. Ron Paul worries me a little bit; he could really use a good tailor, and it sounds like he actually believes the stuff that comes out of his mouth,” Mr. Hugo said.
“Santorum? That guy’s still around? Seriously?”
While the GOP is sorting out their eventual nominee, Mr. Hugo announced a cross-country bus tour, where he will meet with Americans from coast-to-coast, in the Heartland.
“People are really receptive to things they want to hear, so that’s what I plan to tell them,” Mr. Hugo said.