For reasons I don’t understand, something about the internet drives its authors to crank out list after list after list about… stuff. Lists feel like the second-most prevalent thing on the internet – after porn and before stupid captioned pictures of animals. I don’t get the appeal. In fact, I dislike lists. Here’s why:
- Lists create a false sense of comprehensiveness, especially when the number of items in the list isn’t a multiple of five. The only rational reason that a rundown of ‘Thirty-Seven Hot Young Volleyball Players’ would exist is that a thirty-eighth could not be found. This is coming from a guy who never sets an alarm or microwave to any time ending in a five or zero.
- Lists treat questions of opinion as if they were matters of fact. How many lists have you seen claiming to outline the ‘Greatest’ and ‘Best’ band, album, movie, baseball player, dog breed (German Shepherd and English Bulldog in a first-place tie, in case you were wondering), ice cream flavor, vacation destination, IPA, or lie to help get you out of work with as few questions asked as possible (two words: Explosive Diarrhea)? If you really want to know what the best Bible verse is, steal a Bible – you can find one in every hotel room in the country- and get reading. Form an opinion. Stop letting any self-important asshole with a keyboard tell you what’s cool and what sucks. (…)
- Lists complicate simple things. I blame Cosmo for this one. If a person were to venture to try out all of the ‘Ways to Please Your Man’ Cosmo has thrown out there, it would take no less than a year-and-a-half. If any female has that aspiration, I have a lot of spare time and am easily found via Twitter and e-mail. That said, it’s totally overkill; everybody knows that list is only four things long. Related: Go to a newsstand today, and I’ll bet you that Cosmo will feature some iteration of ‘Ways to Please Your Man’, Men’s Health will have a way to ‘Lose Your Gut’, or both. This happens as sure as the Sun rises in the east and sets in the west.
- Lists often feature repetitive or extraneous items for filler.
Lists are fine for trips to the grocery store, but there’s no reason for them to make up 36.4% of all blog posts. There’s a vast wealth of things to be written, recorded, and Photoshopped out there. Let’s mix it up a little bit.