Horrible Ideas: $1 Coins, Not Bills

Posted on 2012/02/06 by Dave

The nexus of dollar coin evil

There are a number of bad ideas with which America and its component States regularly flirt: Federal involvement in the BCS, treating sugar like booze and tobacco, Esperanto. We take certain bad ideas, and dive in head-first – “The War on Drugs”, making the NJ State Song a track featuring the lyrics “It’s a death trap / It’s a suicide rap / We gotta get out while we’re young”. We take some good ideas, and completely ignore or ridicule them – the metric system, widespread implementation of 24-hour time.

Aside – Can anyone give me one good reason that we don’t all operate on 24-hour, military-style time? Do you know why the military uses 24-hour time? Because it’s less prone to screw-ups. Nobody has ever woken up at 1900 hrs, panicked that they were going to be late for work.

As generations of Americans get progressively dumber and dumber, why are we burdening our decaying brains with additional questions as to whether the next episode of whatever nonsense Kardashian TV show gets trotted out starts at mid-morning or late-evening? How much ink and paper and computer memory is wasted on those two completely unnecessary letters, “AM” or “PM”? Continue reading →

Actual Empty Suit Enters Presidential Race

Posted on 2012/01/25 by Dave

CLEVELAND, OHIO — The 2012 Presidential Race took yet another interesting turn today. Following Monday’s Republican primary debate and Tuesday night’s ‘State of the Union’ address, an actual empty suit has thrown his hat (a matching fedora) into the ring, and will immediately begin aggressive campaigning.

Tommy Hugo said his final moment of inspiration came during President Obama’s speech last night.

"I believe... whatever you believe!" ~Tommy Hugo

“I watched the Republican debates, and I read the text of the President’s State of the Union – I have a distaste for all of the sitting / standing after every point he makes. I saw those things and I thought, these guys are all just like me. A guy like me could be President!” Mr. Hugo said.

Mr. Hugo gave an impassioned speech in front of supporters at the Cleveland JC Penny he calls home, detailing his campaign platforms.

“My positions? I’m pro-life. And pro-choice. Life is pretty awesome, but, you know, so is having choices. I don’t think you should have to pick between the two. Continue reading →

VOTE OR DIE, New Jersey!!

Posted on 2011/11/08 by Dave

Elections are a joke. I’ve done jokes about how every election gets billed as “the most important of our time”, but, honestly, who really thinks life would be a ton different if 1996 went the other way? Today, if you live in New Jersey, is different. Today, the voice of the people can be heard.

LEGALIZE IT! (Sports betting, that is)

If you didn’t feel up to reading the poor-quality picture I got with my camera phone in at the ballot today, I’ll summarize and add some context: Continue reading →

96 – 99th Percents Distraught Over Expulsion from #OccupyWallSt

Posted on 2011/10/21 by Dave

"We're not gonna protest!"

NEW YORK — “It’s just not right. We’ve been standing with everyone since the beginning, and they’re just throwing us to the curb like trash on to the Jersey Turnpike,” Wilson Prescot, a doctor from Wayne, NJ, said.

Dr. Prescot’s sentiments are shared by a number of protesters effectively evicted from the Zucotti Park Occupy Wall Street protests, after self-appointed movement leadership decided that they would be more effective representing “The 95%” rather than “The 99%”. The controversial move means that those making more than $235,000 per year, as opposed to $480,000 under the 99% stance, have been deemed part of the “oppressor” class, and are not welcome at the protests. Continue reading →

NEWS: Mets fans reach out to Boston

Posted on 2011/09/27 by Dave

NEW YORK — “They just don’t get it. They don’t understand how it works,” a visibly beleaguered Chris Rothstein said. “I’ve heard so many Yankee fans talking about mass-suicides and chaos in Boston; it’s like they didn’t see what we went through for two straight years right next door to them.”

Rothstein is the founder of a group of Mets fans sympathetic to Boston fans coping with the Red Sox’s September collapse.

“Nobody’s throwing themselves off of a bridge. People are just walking around in a daze, thinking about the meaning of their lives at the moment and what got them here.”

Chin up, Kevin.

Throughout the month of September, Red Sox fans have watched near-nightly horrendous pitching performances (including five losses charged to middle reliever Daniel Bard) turn a nine-game lead in the American League Wild Card race into a dead heat with the Tampa Bay Rays. Even the Wall Street Journal Online ran an article entitled, “Boston Red Sox Are Making Their Fans Sad“.

Locally, sports fans have made comparison to the New York Mets collapses of 2007 and 2008. Rothstein and other Mets fans, recalling the emotions of those years, decided it was time to reach out to fellow sports fans in pain. After being informed that ‘It Gets Better‘ was already taken, they formed the non-profit ‘There’s Always the Season After Next‘ Foundation. Continue reading →

Classic Bud Can Sighting: Tuscaloosa

Posted on 2011/08/27 by Dave

As I promised, as long as people send me pictures of their pre-horrendous redesign Budweiser cans, I will feature those pictures on this site. I remain a man of my word.

Report: Classic design Bud cans "all over" Tuscaloosa. The South is awesome.

Today’s entry comes all the way from Tuscaloosa. Not only has Matt given me a classic Bud can pic to post, I also get to feature a bad-ass dog (Jackson, if you were curious) and The Syracuse University. Well played, dude. When I said to be creative with the pictures, this was the sort of thing I had in mind.

Keep the Bud can pics coming. If you send them, I will post. Massachusetts? Check. Alabama? Check. Classic Bud cans across America!

With hurricane hysteria in full swing yesterday, there were two kinds of stores that were absolute mayhem here in the Garden State: Home Depots and liquor stores. No joke – one of my buddies works at a large liquor store, and told me that they did Labor Day level sales yesterday. Just when I think that the country has devolved into a bunch of Nancies (that one’s for you, Matt), the Northeast collectively says, “Well, time to board up some windows, then drink through this hurricane.” I’m so proud of you guys.

With high levels of booze-hoarding and the likelihood that many, many people will be without power for at least a little while, what are the odds that maternity wards are flush with babies named “Irene” in 9 months? It has to be off the board, right?

I just remembered that I have poll functionality on this site. Not only that, I can do polls where you can select multiple responses. Throwing it out there to everyone: what do you have on tap for weathering the hurricane? If you live outside of the hurricane blast radius and feel left out of this poll, I give you permission to pretend. I won’t tell. I promise.

How are you going to weather Hurricane Irene?

Hurricane Drinking (38%, 5 Votes)
Sleeping through a hurricane (my dad's favorite) (31%, 4 Votes)
Would prefer hurricane sex, but settling for hurricane drinking (added by request) (31%, 4 Votes)
Reading (23%, 3 Votes)
Playing cards / board games (23%, 3 Votes)
Hurricane Sex (15%, 2 Votes)

Total Voters: 13

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Darwin Was Full of Crap

Posted on 2011/08/22 by Dave

‘Idiocracy‘, Mike Judge’s 2006 satirical(?) take on the sad progression of humanity came out to minimal fanfare despite generally solid reviews. Without a hint of irony, five years later, people seem to be finally getting the point. An LA Times editorial is making the rounds to the other Tribune papers, smartly pointing out that smug references to the film are suddenly chic, whether you lean left, right, completely apolitical, or if you’re legitimately concerned the film’s plot is coming to fruition.

IT'S GOT WHAT PLANTS CRAVE!!!!

I’m glad people are catching on to a really great movie. The merits of the film are not in dispute – humans are getting dumber at an alarming rate. So, can we finally put Darwin to bed? On, ‘Louie’ last week, Louis CK did a stand-up piece about having to force his daughters to take medicine – medicine already sugar-ed up and bubblegum-flavored. This isn’t solely a human phenomenon; my sister makes a few bucks here and there dog-sitting, and, apparently, it’s common to have to trick dogs into eating their kibble using dog treats or people-food. Doesn’t widespread survival-by-coercion fly in the face of “survival of the fittest”?

What set me off on the natural selection of good traits out of the genepool? Continue reading →

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